theresnoplacelikehomeandstuff

“Theresnoplacelikehomeandstuff” is what he said. But he said it—theresnoplacelikehomeandstuff—like it was all one word. And at first I was confused because it sounded like garbled nothing. I thought he was pulling on my chain. “What was that?” I yell after him but he doesn’t turn around. And that’s when it [...]

if i was a superhero

Oh, you know, if I was a superhero, I’d be The Hypochondriac, sporting a flashy-teal hospital gown and a bright white wristband that has all my information on it, all the while effortlessly rolling around that intravenous drip cart everywhere I go. My power would be, get this, just by hearing or reading about [...]

hyperbole of choice

There’s this guy at work I talk to now and again, let’s call him Jake. And I noticed just the other day that Jake tends to evoke “gas chambers” quite a bit more than the average person just in normal conversation.
Take yesterday, we were discussing the lethargic pace of a particular project, blah blah [...]

Did I just get rated out of 10?

So it was a lovely saturday in Fort Greene – 3 parts sunny, 2 parts nippy, but all parts pleasant – and I decide to take a stroll in the park, stopping briefly for my first iced coffee of the season. And when I enter said coffee shop, one male barista says to the [...]

Shockers-Anonymous

So, uh. My name is Matt, I guess. And I’m a Shockers-addict. (deep breath) Wow, uh. Never in a million years did I think I could say those words, gosh. Oh for the visitors out there, a “shocker” is a nickel-sized candy, of the Sweet Tart family, but more [...]

just warbling (blah)

yeah, so i guess sort of the other day I was just blahing around (whatever), thinking about blah, minding my blahs and q’s or maybe my p’s and blahs, not entirely sure, and I guess perhaps at some point, this nondescript character, um, he comes up to me, his face and hair were both [...]

wicker

I know this guy who really really hates wicker. You might say, he’s just not one for wicker. It simply doesn’t agree with him. The texture. The stench of it. All the holes. Wicker literally makes this guy sick, I’m not even joking with you (I [...]

switching to the gun

So lately I’ve been contemplating “switching to the gun” to say hi to people (yeah I know, it’s a bold move). Oh for those of you who are sort of behind-the times (it’s cool, I used to be just like you), “the gun” is this really exciting new way to say hi to someone [...]

the shoe-lace incident

My friend went on this date last night and she came back from it alone (which tells you something) but in recalling the events of the evening, she divided the date into 2 parts: before she realized he was wearing two different color shoelaces and after she realized he was wearing two different color shoelaces.
Before [...]

child-names

If I had a kid (son or daughter) I think I’d name him/her Futon cause why not, right? Futons are colorful and comfortable and above all, versatile, which is pretty vital for a child these days in our post-digital-blah age. And it has a nice ring to it. Foooo-taaaan. It’s soothing. [...]