Ok so I was talking to two people the other day and at some point one of them was like, “Yeah I pee in the shower all the time,” and I was taken aback by her tone. She was so nonchalant about it. She wasn’t embarrassed. Puzzled but oddly curious, I turn to the other person in the room. “Do you do it?” And without thinking he was like, “Yeah totally.” My eyes widened. “There’s a drain right?” he added. And this just sent my world spinning. How could I have missed this? Wait, most people pee in the shower? “Doesn’t it make your bathtub smell like urine?” “No way it’s fine,” one of them answered. “You should try it, it’ll blow your mind.” (echo:: blow your mind…blow your mind…blow your mind:: echo)
So the next shower I feel a little tickle down there. One voice in my head is like, “Dude, don’t do it. This is what separates you from apes or whatever. We can hold it.” But the other voice is like, “Apes are great. What’s wrong with apes? We were once apes. Stop running away from your ancestors and pee in the shower.” I think for a split second about my Mom and morality and apes, I close my eyes, and release. At first it feels like I’m falling, or floating away into space, but quickly the groundlessness is soothing,exhilarating, the urine mixes with the water seamlessly, almost artistically. Urine-Water. Water-Urine. Monkey-Urine. Monkeys and Men living side by side, finishing each other’s homework. Men learning to swing from trees, monkeys learning the Dewey Decimal System. Harmony. Bliss. Sexy monkeys. Sports Illustrated inviting monkeys to be part of the Swimsuit Edition for the first time. And I finish.
I open my eyes, grab the soap and start scrubbing. ‘Cause heck, I’ve got a lot of work to do.