So I guess I had a pretty terrible thought just now in the shower, but I figured I’d tell you about it, like, get it out there rather than let it sit on my psyche for years to come, you know. Nah, it’s not that bad but here goes:
Well I was thinking about one of my ex-girlfriends in particular, the one I think I hurt the most, about what she must think of me, what her friends must think of me, whether she’s heard that I’ve gone gay (who hasn’t?), blah blah blah.
And then it hit me that, in a way, coming out of the closet is similar to declaring bankruptcy – all slates are wiped clean, all the emotional debts you’ve accrued because of youthful foolishness and/or “not knowing any better” are written off suppposedly at the snap of a finger, or the stroke of a pen (even though my official “I’m gay” papers haven’t arrived yet in the mail, shoot, I should check on that).
But obviously I don’t think it’s as easy as that – when you’re in a large amount of debt, you’re digging a hole that keeps getting deeper and deeper, declaring bankruptcy doesn’t magically transport you out of that hole – basically you’re just admitting, “Ok, I’m in a hole,” then beginning to find the means to climb your way out of it.
So um, in the shower I guess, I realized I’m still in a hole with a bunch of people, (not that they’re holding their breath, waiting by the phone or whatnot) but, I think it’s important for me at least to realize that the excuse, “Oh I wasn’t really conscious back then,” doesn’t really fly.
Anyhoo, Saturdays, huh?