gay/bankuptcy

So I guess I had a pretty terrible thought just now in the shower, but I figured I’d tell you about it, like, get it out there rather than let it sit on my psyche for years to come, you know. Nah, it’s not that bad but here goes:

Well I was thinking about one of my ex-girlfriends in particular, the one I think I hurt the most, about what she must think of me, what her friends must think of me, whether she’s heard that I’ve gone gay (who hasn’t?), blah blah blah.

And then it hit me that, in a way, coming out of the closet is similar to declaring bankruptcy – all slates are wiped clean, all the emotional debts you’ve accrued because of youthful foolishness and/or “not knowing any better” are written off suppposedly at the snap of a finger, or the stroke of a pen (even though my official “I’m gay” papers haven’t arrived yet in the mail, shoot, I should check on that).

But obviously I don’t think it’s as easy as that – when you’re in a large amount of debt, you’re digging a hole that keeps getting deeper and deeper, declaring bankruptcy doesn’t magically transport you out of that hole – basically you’re just admitting, “Ok, I’m in a hole,” then beginning to find the means to climb your way out of it.

So um, in the shower I guess, I realized I’m still in a hole with a bunch of people, (not that they’re holding their breath, waiting by the phone or whatnot) but, I think it’s important for me at least to realize that the excuse, “Oh I wasn’t really conscious back then,” doesn’t really fly.

Anyhoo, Saturdays, huh?

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3 Comments

Filed under gay, throwing it out there

3 responses to “gay/bankuptcy

  1. Ricky Price

    You really should check on those ‘papers,’ Our relationship isn’t official with the head office until those come through.

  2. JR

    I almost choked on my breakfast when I read that you were gay.

    Honestly? I really never even thought twice about it. Maybe because I had my own closet, and then out-of-the-closet issues to deal with in HS, and therefore wasn’t looking closely. Maybe not. Who knows.

    Welcome to the brotherhood! Hurry up with those papers, when you send them back in, you get a really cute refrigerator magnet.

    xoJR

  3. Wow, I really don’t have a gay-dar. Or any perception of what a normal gay dude would be/act/live like.

    I just recently sat through S1 of duder (I’m now in the state where I ramble about my ‘new finding’ to friends and family), fell in total love with it, but could not get over on whether or not you’re actually gay or just playing a role (the whole “is he really?” happens with everything I watch prompting an everquest to find the sexuality of the person behind the character, I’ve yet to kill this habit).

    Alas, I’m not only happy and internally resolved to find the answer (*gasp* I think I discovered another OCD of mine… I need help) but I’m actually thrilled I now have another role model- a real life person to admire and stalk follow.

    I’m most sound terribly uber weird but let it be known! And if I perchance catch sight of you in the subway, you’ll definitely be hearing a hoot and a holler from me. I wonder if Ricky’ll get mad at me…

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