“Theresnoplacelikehomeandstuff” is what he said. But he said it—theresnoplacelikehomeandstuff—like it was all one word. And at first I was confused because it sounded like garbled nothing. I thought he was pulling on my chain. “What was that?” I yell after him but he doesn’t turn around. And that’s when it clicks. There’snoplacelikehomeandstuff. It wasn’t gibberish at all. It was seven words, well eight if you count that first contraction. It was the answer. There’s no place like home and stuff. I click my heels together. That was the “theresnoplacelikehome” part. Then I smiled at my cat, my life. That was the “andstuff” part.
Monthly Archives: May 2008
So lately I’m extremely wary of throwing away receipts of any kind in public garbage cans because what if someone finds one of my ATM receipts and somehow, you know, deflowers my credit score. I couldn’t handle that so I make sure to throw those away at work, home or some trash receptacle that I can fully trust. Hey, is that too much to ask, a little peace of mind when I throw away my garbage, without having to look over my shoulder every five seconds to make sure no ones mussing about in there, examining my wrappers. In fact, if that low-fat lemon yogurt container I just threw out never gets looked at by another set of human eyes, I’ll die a happy man. Cause, you know what they do in there, those trash-people, don’t you? I used to think they were looking for spare food too but boy was I wrong. No they’re looking for information. That’s right. They’re scraping for DNA, collecting identities to do who knows what with them, sell em on ebay, on the auction block, for crying out loud. Who’re the slaves now? Hey, stop looking at my wrappers! What’s the big idea?
Neil Young performing Philadelphia.
Eh, I’m still a sucker for this song, I’m not ashamed about it.
Wow, just found out about two things, sort of late, I know:
1) You can embed vimeo into wordpress
2) Jake and Amir (the web show)
Oh, you know, if I was a superhero, I’d be The Hypochondriac, sporting a flashy-teal hospital gown and a bright white wristband that has all my information on it, all the while effortlessly rolling around that intravenous drip cart everywhere I go. My power would be, get this, just by hearing or reading about a particular ailment, condition, circulatory-system defect, whathaveyou, I’d magically take on this sickness as if it were my very own! Oh really, a new study shows that testicular cancer most commonly affects men 25 and under huh? You know now that you mention it my left testicle has been shrinking slightly for the past minute and my right one does have this teeny bump on its side that definitely wasn’t there before you told me all about that age 25 stuff. Whoops, did I just accidentally google-image-search the rare kidney disorder known as Bartter’s Syndrome? Gosh those pictures look nasty but, ouch, I feel a slight pain in my lower back out of the blue coupled with a sudden decrease of electrolytes in my blood in 40% of cases. Whoa, it feels really weird to lose all those electrolytes at once. Think of all the good I’ll do as The Hypochondriac, coming down with that Hemorrhagic Fever everyone thought had been wiped out in the 1890’s, so you don’t have to. I’ll do all that I can, selflessly, if you’ll just get me a glass of water cause I can’t stand sweetheart, for as long as I’m able, which probably won’t be that long given my family’s history of death.
I just realized that i always say this. I’m always like, “but yeah I hardly watch tv at all (snicker snicker), I really only watch one show, blah blah blah, ” and I’m usually talking about Lost, but it’s all a delusion! I just finished watching the final American Idol episode, well the final one where they sing, you know, oh gosh they were pretty good this year don’t you think, i totally miss the guy with the dreads though, yeah he was super cute but in a masculine way, oh shit, did you see the one where the girl had to start her song over, (laughing) I was so embarrassed for her, I know she does sort of look like she’s from the ’60’s, STOP IT! I’m not who I say I am.
And last night (gulp) we watched the season finale of Gossip Girl. No it wasn’t cause there was nothing else on and we were just flipping channels and happened to land on the CW at 8pm Eastern when the remote ran out of batteries and we didn’t have any replacements, plus the new “HD” tv we got doesn’t have channel-changer buttons on the unit itself and we couldn’t even turn it off cause the power button doesn’t work (it was the floor model), not to mention the plug was totally stuck in the wall, we couldn’t pull it out, owww, I think I twisted something.
No it wasn’t like that at all. We planned to watch it! We even made popcorn! In advance!! But yeah I can’t believe two characters came out at once, I know I wish they were more important characters with better hair, Blair’s my favorite too, she’s so conniving but like brutally honest at the same time, no I’ve always liked her, me too, yeah he always looks like he’s tired, AHHHHHH! I’m a junky and I just wanted to formally apologize to everyone. Truth is: I watch multiple tv shows, i just pooped my pants, and I’m about to watch last week’s episode of Lost again on ABC.com.
Yeah he hasn’t been on the level in some time. “Wait, has he ever been on the level?” Whoa, you’re right. You’re so right it burns! Oww. It hurts. Your truth stings. But it also sings. I mean, yeah, of course, as long as I’ve known him (4 years), Vim, Bill, whatever he’s calling himself these days, yeah he’s never been completely on any level whatsoever. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if you asked him, “Hey Vimmy, been on the level lately?” and he answered, “Wha you talking about? Gimme a cookie,” or some sorry shite like that. “I’m too busy solving Sudoku puzzles.” Vimmy get a job, get one quick, please.
Cookies, people, can mean the deaths of millions. Write it down. Either you’re choking on them or they’re choking on you. Write it the shit down! Seriously. Get some paper. Find a pen that works. Yeah that one should be fine. Write it down in your little notebook, memorize it, tear out the sheet of paper, eat it, then forget everything you learned cause it won’t help you in the real world.
Dammit I once ate an entire bag of sprinkles then threw myself on purpose down a flight of stairs. You wanna know why? Cause I was pissed off. Oh I was fuming from head to toe. Wanna know why? I hate to be weak. Hate it. Cause weakness leads to death which leads to horse-gambling. Write it down dammit. Why do you think I’m talking here, for my health? That’s laughable. No. This is for you. You need it. You’re the weak one. I couldn’t be healthier. Heart disease? HA. I laugh at heart disease. I poke heart disease in the eye, push him to the ground, pour apple juice on his fat face. HA. But he knows I’m only kidding around. Heart disease and I go way back. Dammit, Vim, seriously, if you’re using a Sharpie in my new Snakes-On-A-Sudoku book I’m gonna come over there and slash your throat. WHAT! It is Sharpie! Give me the book! Give it to me! Let go! Let, good, there! You can have it back when you’re back on the level, which will hopefully be during this century sometime.
That was funny, write it down!