Category Archives: bathroom stuff

handicapped-bathroom guilt

As far as I can tell, there isn’t anyone disabled that works on my office floor, yet I understand, of course, at any minute, one could pop up out of thin air. You know, POOF, “Oh, hi nice to meet you,” I would offer politely, maintaining eye contact obviously, making sure not to look down at their useless legs, (wow, insensitive). Yet until that happens, ada-symbol-access-for-charlotte.jpgonce in a while, when the other stalls are occupied or if I feel like I need an extra bit of breathing room (always), yeah, I might “use” the handicapped stall (is that still PC?).

Nevertheless I always feel slightly bad about it, embarrassed when I come out of the stall and someone sees me, even though they’re not disabled themselves (yet what if they have an effed-up son at home?), etc. But should these stalls remain empty if no one really needs them, as almost-monuments to disabled people everywhere, or is it appropriate to jump-on-in, as long as you’re quick and clean about it?

Heck, we have one of those handicapped-buttons on our exit doors that when pressed opens the door for you instead of having to be pushed (oh the burden), and countless “normals” push them every darn day! Just something to stew upon, I guess. Woo, hope your summers have been swell, sorry for the ridiculous hiatus…

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Filed under bathroom stuff, office, throwing it out there

serious poll

Ok, on a scale of 1-10, how uncomfortable do you feel when taking a poo next to someone else in an adjacent stall? I’m really curious seriously, a lot depends on this.128499.jpg

(As for me, honestly, I have to say I’m probably a 9 or even a 10, yeah, which is pretty embarrassing. You might think at my mature age I should be totally fine with making rancid noises and/or hearing someone next to me make rancid noises, but alas, no, I find the whole operation pretty weird, borderline-dehumanizing, despite the near-assurance of anonymity…)

What about you??

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electric-toothbrush-recharge

Oh you’ve gotta love the first brush after you put new batteries into your electric toothbrush, you just have to, I mean, for crying out loud, it’s so powerful, toothbrush.jpgso soothing and surprising, cause you forgot just how fast those bristles are supposed to move. Everyday since you last put batteries in, the brush has been getting slower and slower, but you never really notice it cause you’re too close to the whole thing. It takes a jolt – a new battery- to shake things up, wow. I feel, well, that’s pretty much the point, that I feel something, and it’s fresh, it’s great, gingivitis is, well, it’s almost laughable at this point, it’s almost spring, my gums are singing, let’s get outta bed and tell someone about it, woo!

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simulated-vomit-wow

Is it just me or did we like turn our heads for one minute and all of a sudden they’re really great at simulating vomit in movies and on tv? I mean, wow, it just comes out of nowhere and there’s a lot of it and the actor really looks like he’s gagging, and it sounds perfect. In the old days, yeah it was pretty obvious that the actor just took a gulp of some goop and then they yelled “action,” cause only the amount that could fit in your mouth would come out. vomit.gifOr other times the camera would start on the person “vomiting” but it would quickly dip below to the ground, so all you saw was the goop that anyone could have poured from a bucket or whatever. But nowadays, wow, the person’s talking, they’re having a bite, and without a visible cut, without warning, they just start gushing out everywhere. Spontaneous barf city. I wonder if it’s become a mandatory thing in acting schools, you used to have to be able to cry at the snap of figure, now it’s boom, vomit on cue. Whatever they’re doing, it’s working, big time, and I won’t lie, I kinda like it. Keeps you on your toes. But hey, what’s next? Let’s just say we’re running out of holes for liquid to pour out of our bodies on screen, yeah let’s leave it real subtle like that, there’s only one more brownish gross goop that hasn’t quite reared it’s ugly face, if you know what I mean, but I won’t mention it cause some things are better left to the good ol’ imagination. It rhymes with diarrhea

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new-bathroom-routine

This is probably pretty common, but I find that when I go to a new restuarant I try make sure to go to their restroom, just cause I find the layout of bathrooms interesting (aren’t I really eclectic?). You know, what do they have on the walls to look at while you pee, where’s the toilet-paper in relation to the toilet, is it maybe on one of those free-standing racks (I sort of like those), what does the flush sound like, is it nonchalant or more like a jet taking off? eb043691_sign-employees-must-wash-hands-6-x9.gifAnd then you try out their hand-soap, does it have a smell, fruity or minty, what sort of mirror do they have, where is the paper-towel dispenser in relation to the sink, or do they have one of those hot air drier things, all these sorts of things. It’s like taking a tour, a bathroom tour, then you zip up, and go pay the check, or make your boyfriend pays. Yeah!

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why-button-fly?

It’s become sort of a mantra for me, a motto, why-button-fly; it has a nice ring to it I suppose, and it just popped in my mind one day as I was at some urinal. I had to pee pretty badly (it’s been said I have a small bladder) but when I went down there to do my business, there’s this roadblock, you know: why-button-fly?

46911pvxu_w.jpgI don’t know why I bought these pants in the first place, there was something about them, I just had to have them, who knows. But if I knew then what I know now, darnit, these pants would have had to be made of solid gold, I’m not kidding: why-button-fly?

Yeah I wear a belt (it’s been said I have the waste of a husky six-year-old) which means that button-flies are useless when you’re at a urinal, you have to unbuckle, things can get messy, especially if someone’s next to you, they think you’re gonna pull down your pants or something, they give you this disapproving look, and my valves are gun-shy as it is.

True if you’re not wearing a belt the buttons pull apart real easy, but for me that’s not nearly worth the trouble it takes to button them back up again, especially that one closest to the bottom, there’s no leverage in that little crevice, seriously: why-button-fly?

And you just can’t say, “Oh they look nice,” cause you can’t see them, there’s a flap over the fly, a fly-flap for crying out loud: why button fly? Please. I’d love to know. Until then, these darn pants are being benched.

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Filed under anecdotes, bathroom stuff, throwing it out there