Category Archives: stephie

my balls dreams

So this is pretty hard for me but, here goes nothing. Ok um. I’ve had two “balls dreams” in my life. Firstly, what’s a balls dream? (valid question) Well, a balls dream, as I see it, is when you’re dreaming, and you’re with someone (a female friend, your mom), someone who wouldn’t normally have balls in the real world, and uh, you’re dreaming, you’re talking about Episcopalians, the flat tax, whathaveyou, and then POOF, this person shows you her balls! Just, lays em out, down come the pants (or the skirt), and out come the balls, just completely, you know, nothing sexual, just something that shouldn’t be there, is, for some reason, uh oh, they’re there! Make sense? Um. Balls.

And uh. My first balls dream was way back in elementary school. This girl who I was sort of friendly with, but was also sort of in competition with in terms of who was smartest in the class, this girl, we’ll call her “Megan,” she showed up in my dream one night out of the blue (you can see where this is going). We’re talking about the latest homework assignment or something, I don’t really remember the details, but what I do remember is that big set of balls she sticks out of the front of her shorts. Doesn’t say anything, doesn’t want approval for her balls. Are they too oily? No, none of that. (gross!) She just puts em out there. They look like a second chin only much much lower. And, yeah, since that balls dream, I never could look at Megan the same, cause that’s what balls dreams do! They completely taint perfectly cordial relationships. Because it’s impossible to get that image out of your head. She became Megan-balls for the rest of time I knew her (she’s still Megan-balls somewhere!) and there’s nothing I could do about it. (sigh)

And the reason I’m writing about this is that last week, I had my second balls dream! My boss. My female boss. We’ll call her “Stephie”. We’re discussing “the Internet,” in my dream. I’ve giving her my big shbeel about what I think the web can do. She’s smiling. She’s impressed. But little do I know, perhaps a little too impressed, I look down, whoops, she has some balls. Don’t look. Oh man, I looked. Happy, dangly balls, she has some. They’re just out and about, getting some air. “As you were saying about the magic of the web?” Stephie smiles politely. I’m frozen. “Uh…well the um…” I fumble, I stutter and BOOM, I wake up, sweaty, confused, but with the deep down understanding that (sigh) I now work for Stephie-Balls. There was no way around it. “Did you get the Fed Ex out, Matt?” “Uh, yep,” I chirp. Balls. “Did you think the promo was confusing at all, Matt?” Balls balls. “No I thought it was actually one of the better ones we’ve done.” “Oh really, that’s good to hear.” Ballsyballballsbouncyballyballs. And more balls. (sigh)

Yep. I know. It’s a curse. But what can you do? Two balls dreams in 25 years is not too shabby I guess, right? I’m just nervous a little. Um. I hope that one of you (my ball-less friends reading this) isn’t the next to go the way of the balls. God forbid I have a balls dream about someone I really deeply care about. (sigh) And those are my balls dreams.

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Filed under anecdotes, office, stephie, tall-tale-ish musings

switching to the gun

So lately I’ve been contemplating “switching to the gun” to say hi to people (yeah I know, it’s a bold move). Oh for those of you who are sort of behind-the times (it’s cool, I used to be just like you), “the gun” is this really exciting new way to say hi to someone passing you at work: instead of awkwardly waving hello or having to verbally say, “How are you doing?” or something, you just simply point your finger at them and pull the fake trigger. hand.gifLiterally it’s like the internal combustion engine for two-second office-environment interactions! It’s hip, it’s different, and above all, people really get a kick out of it. There’s this girl at work, Stephie, who’s been “a gunner” so to speak, for almost a month now, she was the first, and she’s probably the most popular person in the office (not counting free-donuts-on-Wednesdays-guy, of course), and I’m convinced it has a lot to do with this neat way she greets people. There are always hoots and hollers coming from her cube, sometimes she even elaborates on the gesture, shooting the gun at some passerby then pulling it up to her mouth and blowing out the fake smoke (Public television people flip over that move for some reason.).

Yeah so this phenomenon has been growing like hotcakes over here, there are new gunners springing up every hour practically, it’s not uncommon for one person to shoot the gun at someone else only to have this other person return the gun right back at them, I’m completely serious! So yeah now you understand why I have to jump on this bandwagon before I’m the only sissy in the Old West (PBS) that hasn’t switched to the gun. Try introducing the gun in your office environment, but be prepared for the repercussions: instantaneous popularity, faster promotion potential, a one-way ticket to the front of the copy line, just to name a few. Anyway, I got to go practice my draw, take care.

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Filed under anecdotes, fictiony, office, stephie

Haircut!

Ok, so what am I supposed to think? I just got a haircut yesterday (and it’s been a while so it’s pretty noticeable), and I come into work this morning fully prepared for the open-forum, you know, where coworkers make half-comments about how it’s so short, how they almost didn’t recognize me, I look five years younger or older, blah blah blah. And I’ve sort of accepted this ritual as unavoidable. In a way, (and I hate to admit it) 070219_britney_vlrg_6awidec.jpgI’ve almost come to rely on it, reserving judgment about how I think the haircut went, until I get some audience reactions, and can make a more informed decision.

But today, something strange is happening: for the most part, people are just pointing at my head and saying, “Haircut!” and then walking away! They’re not indicating whether they think it’s a nice haircut or a nasty haircut, they’re simply letting me know that they’re aware of my haircut and moving on. “Yup, haircut, you got me,” I jumble together awkwardly, not really knowing how to respond.

Are people simply adhering to the ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say’ policy, or is it now completely acceptable just to point something out without leaning either way? Is the acknowledgement the important thing or is the opinion the important thing? And where do you draw the line? Can I point to someone’s feet and say “New shoes!” or at their face, “New nose!” What if I pointed at Stephie’s thighs and said “Liposuction!” (we all know she got it done while she was in the “Caribbean”).  I tell you, it’s a crazy world, no foolin’.

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Filed under crazy world, etiquette, office, stephie

weather pessimists

133bk-ffs.jpgWe all know people like this, it’s usually someone at work, you go up to them all happy cause it’s Friday, “Oh, it’s so nice out,” you say like a school-child, but they quickly interject sniffly, in between sips of chamomile or something, “Yeah well don’t get used to it, it’s supposed to rain all weekend.” And as your eyes get all sad cause you were planning some bird-watching trip or whatnot, you can just make out a tiny smirk on their face, cause, I swear, they get some sick satisfaction knowing they were the first person to ruin your weekend plans.

Yeah, weather pessimists, honestly, not a big fan, just cause some bad news I’d rather find out on my own. It’s not like they really have some secret information (weather.com desktop alerts) that’s not readily available to everyone. I mean, yeah I’m aware it’s going to dip below zero overnight Stephie, yup, all of the snow’ll probably turn to ice, yeah I know, it’s not gonna be fun tomorrow morning, but please Stephie, let me retain some hope quietly to myself. That’s all I have sometimes.

What was that Steph? Yep, that’s true, it is the wind that kills you. Um. Yeah I gotta go downstairs for a…what’s that? Oh sure yeah I can pick you up some tea. Chamomile, right, got it. Oh, no that’s fine I can cover you. No problem. No problem at all.

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Filed under stephie, throwing it out there