Category Archives: throwing it out there

sleep is weird

Yeah, so what? It’s a cliche, “sleep is weird,” but who cares, it’s true and you know it!

Sleep is so trusted, so hard-wired, and rarely questioned. So consider this buck stopping, at least momentarily, to at least introduce the possibility that sleeping is crazy: the act of getting in a bed, closing your eyes, not moving for a bit of time, then having your body slow to a crawl, while you lose consciousness, and begin “seeing” these usually-provocative yet incredibly-fragile strings of thoughts, colors, then you open your eyes many hours later, having lost so-and-so amount of hours. Lost! But we never question, why. Why do we daily commit this unthinking bodily ritual, trading so-and-so years of our life for restfulness, the energy to make the time that we do have more productive, fulfilling. Hmm.

Do you think you’d give up sleep if you had the choice? Like, when you win the lottery, you can either get your winnings paid to you in installments or get it all in one lump sum, a straight shot. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love sleep, I wouldn’t trade it for the Dickens, but that doesn’t stop me from questioning it, and it doesn’t change the fact that sleep, this zombie-inkling in all of us to power-down daily, is weird! Sleep is weird, weirdo, yes Sleep, I’m talking to you, you’re freaking weird, I love you, but you’re freaking crazy-weird, yawn.

‘Night.

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Filed under crazy world, dreams, throwing it out there

if i was a superhero

Oh, you know, if I was a superhero, I’d be The Hypochondriac, sporting a flashy-teal hospital gown and a bright white wristband that has all my information on it, all the while effortlessly rolling around that intravenous drip cart everywhere I go. My power would be, get this, just by hearing or reading about a particular ailment, condition, circulatory-system defect, whathaveyou, I’d magically take on this sickness as if it were my very own! Oh really, a new study shows that testicular cancer most commonly affects men 25 and under huh? You know now that you mention it my left testicle has been shrinking slightly for the past minute and my right one does have this teeny bump on its side that definitely wasn’t there before you told me all about that age 25 stuff. Whoops, did I just accidentally google-image-search the rare kidney disorder known as Bartter’s Syndrome? Gosh those pictures look nasty but, ouch, I feel a slight pain in my lower back out of the blue coupled with a sudden decrease of electrolytes in my blood in 40% of cases. Whoa, it feels really weird to lose all those electrolytes at once. Think of all the good I’ll do as The Hypochondriac, coming down with that Hemorrhagic Fever everyone thought had been wiped out in the 1890’s, so you don’t have to. I’ll do all that I can, selflessly, if you’ll just get me a glass of water cause I can’t stand sweetheart, for as long as I’m able, which probably won’t be that long given my family’s history of death.

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Filed under fictiony, throwing it out there

oh yeah, I only really watch one tv show

I just realized that i always say this. I’m always like, “but yeah I hardly watch tv at all (snicker snicker), I really only watch one show, blah blah blah, ” and I’m usually talking about Lost, but it’s all a delusion! I just finished watching the final American Idol episode, well the final one where they sing, you know, oh gosh they were pretty good this year don’t you think, i totally miss the guy with the dreads though, yeah he was super cute but in a masculine way, oh shit, did you see the one where the girl had to start her song over, (laughing) I was so embarrassed for her, I know she does sort of look like she’s from the ’60’s, STOP IT! I’m not who I say I am.

And last night (gulp) we watched the season finale of Gossip Girl. No it wasn’t cause there was nothing else on and we were just flipping channels and happened to land on the CW at 8pm Eastern when the remote ran out of batteries and we didn’t have any replacements, plus the new “HD” tv we got doesn’t have channel-changer buttons on the unit itself and we couldn’t even turn it off cause the power button doesn’t work (it was the floor model), not to mention the plug was totally stuck in the wall, we couldn’t pull it out, owww, I think I twisted something.

No it wasn’t like that at all. We planned to watch it! We even made popcorn! In advance!! But yeah I can’t believe two characters came out at once, I know I wish they were more important characters with better hair, Blair’s my favorite too, she’s so conniving but like brutally honest at the same time, no I’ve always liked her, me too, yeah he always looks like he’s tired, AHHHHHH! I’m a junky and I just wanted to formally apologize to everyone. Truth is: I watch multiple tv shows, i just pooped my pants, and I’m about to watch last week’s episode of Lost again on ABC.com.

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what’s your favorite subway euphemism?

Now don’t get me wrong. The NYC subway system is a pretty miraculous thing. But like any public, subway_web.jpgcrowded, aging great-work, it can be irksome, particularly when it stops mid-tunnel and the engineer comes on the loudspeaker to give us (if you can hear him/her) just enough information so as to slow our collective descents into primitive man (yeah, that’s right, if we’re desperate enough, umbrellas can also be used as clubs).

But what’s your favorite subway euphemism?

Mine is “earlier incident.” You know when the train stops and the engineer apologetically explains, “Due to an earlier incident, trains are running at reduced speeds,” etc. Anything could be an earlier incident, provided it happened and it happened before right now. Yargh, really keeps you guessing, but maybe that’s the point.

What’s yours?

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Filed under crazy world, subway, throwing it out there

just warbling… (heck yeah)

Um. Lard is pretty funny. But butter, ehhh, you know, it could be funnier. And. Acorns. Yeah. They’re not the funniest either, to be perfectly honest. But pine cones. Yeoow! For some reason, they’re pretty darn, they’re just, they’ll make you chuckle no doubt about it, 1spi-30746.jpgespecially if they’re caught in your beard! Wow! Because, just imagine for one darn second, um, you got a big ol’ beard, bearwithme, and you’re rolling around on the ground, it’s autumn (of course) – leaves are about, they’re, some might say, leaves-are-a-plenty, and when you stand back up, wha-oh! What’s that? Pine cones in your beard! OMG! That’s wow, that’s hilarious! Not one, but two! I can’t, um, that’s never been done before, I don’t think. Never. At least not for a long long – many years time. Well we’ve been coming up here for two years, so at least not since then. Um. You just, you my friend have stumbled upon a sincere funny. Just amazing. Just.

Best time of year, hands down. Just. Heck yeah.

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Filed under throwing it out there, warbling

handicapped-bathroom guilt

As far as I can tell, there isn’t anyone disabled that works on my office floor, yet I understand, of course, at any minute, one could pop up out of thin air. You know, POOF, “Oh, hi nice to meet you,” I would offer politely, maintaining eye contact obviously, making sure not to look down at their useless legs, (wow, insensitive). Yet until that happens, ada-symbol-access-for-charlotte.jpgonce in a while, when the other stalls are occupied or if I feel like I need an extra bit of breathing room (always), yeah, I might “use” the handicapped stall (is that still PC?).

Nevertheless I always feel slightly bad about it, embarrassed when I come out of the stall and someone sees me, even though they’re not disabled themselves (yet what if they have an effed-up son at home?), etc. But should these stalls remain empty if no one really needs them, as almost-monuments to disabled people everywhere, or is it appropriate to jump-on-in, as long as you’re quick and clean about it?

Heck, we have one of those handicapped-buttons on our exit doors that when pressed opens the door for you instead of having to be pushed (oh the burden), and countless “normals” push them every darn day! Just something to stew upon, I guess. Woo, hope your summers have been swell, sorry for the ridiculous hiatus…

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Filed under bathroom stuff, office, throwing it out there

stuck behind the defeated’s

So we’ve already established that I’m a two-stepper, which makes it even worse when I’m stuck behind “a defeated,” or one who walks super slowly up the stairs because he/she has given up on life (for one reason or another), but nonetheless blocks the way for the rest of us. I feel like I always encounter defeated’s transferring from the L train to the A-C-E during my morning commute.

Yeah we all know it’s early, it’s clammy and humid, life sort of stinks in a certain way sometimes, but to take out on the rest of us (is plain wrong) – us, who just want to get to the subway platform, to get to work, to waste away our own lives, in our own way, and at our own speeds. I’ve told a few people this (with limited response but nonetheless), that there should totally be “a defeated’s-lane” for all stairwells, so that these people who seem to think they have nowhere to go, who are in no rush to get anywhere fast, have a safe, controlled place to wallow, while we in-a-rush-for-no-reason-ers can get on with our days, two, maybe even three steps at a time. Yikes. Is that insensitive?

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Filed under crazy world, etiquette, ideas, throwing it out there