the second-elevator-press

Am I the only one that gets sort of insulted when you’re waiting for the elevator (having already pressed the down-button) and then someone else comes by, and even though it’s clear the button’s been pressed (it has a red tint) they still press it again! They tap it quickly as if they’re saying, “Uh…maybe it didn’t register the time you did it…” At first I thought it was an OCD thing, that this particular person just had to be part of the elevator-button-pressing process or else they’d shrink into a ball of nothing, whathaveyou. But, no, it’s happened way too often with such a diverse amount of people that it’s clearly some gross human-nature glitch plaguing a good portion of us (not me), argh!

But, anyway. What I love to do lately whenever “it” happens is to give “them” this subtle look (I’ve been working on) that says, “Wow, that was a waste and I’m embarrassed for you…” Ask me sometime, I’ll do it for you, I can use the practice.

Slight overreaction? Nah… (have good weekends, woo!)

my balls dreams

So this is pretty hard for me but, here goes nothing. Ok um. I’ve had two “balls dreams” in my life. Firstly, what’s a balls dream? (valid question) Well, a balls dream, as I see it, is when you’re dreaming, and you’re with someone (a female friend, your mom), someone who wouldn’t normally have balls in the real world, and uh, you’re dreaming, you’re talking about Episcopalians, the flat tax, whathaveyou, and then POOF, this person shows you her balls! Just, lays em out, down come the pants (or the skirt), and out come the balls, just completely, you know, nothing sexual, just something that shouldn’t be there, is, for some reason, uh oh, they’re there! Make sense? Um. Balls.

And uh. My first balls dream was way back in elementary school. This girl who I was sort of friendly with, but was also sort of in competition with in terms of who was smartest in the class, this girl, we’ll call her “Megan,” she showed up in my dream one night out of the blue (you can see where this is going). We’re talking about the latest homework assignment or something, I don’t really remember the details, but what I do remember is that big set of balls she sticks out of the front of her shorts. Doesn’t say anything, doesn’t want approval for her balls. Are they too oily? No, none of that. (gross!) She just puts em out there. They look like a second chin only much much lower. And, yeah, since that balls dream, I never could look at Megan the same, cause that’s what balls dreams do! They completely taint perfectly cordial relationships. Because it’s impossible to get that image out of your head. She became Megan-balls for the rest of time I knew her (she’s still Megan-balls somewhere!) and there’s nothing I could do about it. (sigh)

And the reason I’m writing about this is that last week, I had my second balls dream! My boss. My female boss. We’ll call her “Stephie”. We’re discussing “the Internet,” in my dream. I’ve giving her my big shbeel about what I think the web can do. She’s smiling. She’s impressed. But little do I know, perhaps a little too impressed, I look down, whoops, she has some balls. Don’t look. Oh man, I looked. Happy, dangly balls, she has some. They’re just out and about, getting some air. “As you were saying about the magic of the web?” Stephie smiles politely. I’m frozen. “Uh…well the um…” I fumble, I stutter and BOOM, I wake up, sweaty, confused, but with the deep down understanding that (sigh) I now work for Stephie-Balls. There was no way around it. “Did you get the Fed Ex out, Matt?” “Uh, yep,” I chirp. Balls. “Did you think the promo was confusing at all, Matt?” Balls balls. “No I thought it was actually one of the better ones we’ve done.” “Oh really, that’s good to hear.” Ballsyballballsbouncyballyballs. And more balls. (sigh)

Yep. I know. It’s a curse. But what can you do? Two balls dreams in 25 years is not too shabby I guess, right? I’m just nervous a little. Um. I hope that one of you (my ball-less friends reading this) isn’t the next to go the way of the balls. God forbid I have a balls dream about someone I really deeply care about. (sigh) And those are my balls dreams.

play of the week #1 (so far…)

So here’s what we have so far, it’s crazy-town, for sure…

Francine: Ok Miffy, just, cool down there, I mean, there’s surgery, there’s always that, but there’s also, um, life beyond the whole this here and now, you know what I mean?

Miffy: How can you say cool down? I look like a used condom

Francine: You do not. Listen, don’t freak: it’s just a growth! That’s how hands started! Why go to the doctor?

Miffy: Jesus Christ, France. I have knapsack hands!

Francine: Knapsacks that can’t hold anything… though.

Miffy: Very profound. Thank you.

Francine: Sorry, I just – I’m trying to accurate here. I’d say they’re more like mittens gone awry.

Miffy: France, don’t be mean. Don’t be mean right now. I need you to get me to … to get me to … I don’t know. Oh God. I can’t even pray.

Wow. So keep adding if you feel the urge – and remember, new characters can show up, you can simply add a stage direction (Miffy bites her lip a little too hard) or even start a new scene – you get the idea. woo!!!

play of the week #1

This may be lame, but let’s try it perhaps. I’ll, each week, or maybe just this week if it doesn’t go well, start off with some character saying a line, or maybe a stage direction, or a location if it’s a screenplay, and you reply with the next line – and then I’ll post the one that seems to fit or I like, and we’ll add onto that one- and so on – so by the end of each week, we’ll have something?? and if you’re shy and don’t want to go public with your next line, you can email me, see email on the right sidebar…

So here’s the first line:

Francine: Ok Miffy, just, cool down there, I mean, there’s surgery, there’s always that, but there’s also, um, life beyond the whole this here and now, you know what I mean?

——————-
Ok, get crackin’ – reply with what Miffy says or does or what happens next, if this is something you want to do. Wooo!

weird-dream-problem

Lately, yeah, I’ve had this weird dream problem where – ok, I’m dreaming about something normal, walking down the street or whatnot, but as soon as my dreams start to skew off into the fantastical, for example, I’m walking down the street and suddenly encounter a giant flying yarnball asking me directions to the nearest meatshop- my mind immediately rejects my dream and I wake up! It’s as if my brain is like, “Nah, sorry I don’t buy it. Yarnballs? Get serious,” and I’m quickly pulled out of crazyland back into hot-bedroom-land! Yeah, I’ve turned into this boring, literal dreamer all of a sudden (I never thought I’d say that), and it sucks, it plain sucks. I understand people that can’t suspend their disbelief in the waking state but come on, dreams are all about weirdo, exploding bluebirds and, I don’t know, Finnish scientists walking all slanty, spaceships morphing into goats – I want my yanrballs back, I’m not kidding. Bring back the yarnballs please, I’m suffocating – I can’t – I just – I can’t dream about the coffee-machine at work anymore. Or stamps. Help me please. Help me find my yarnballs again. Yarnball. Blehh.