So this is pretty hard for me but, here goes nothing. Ok um. I’ve had two “balls dreams” in my life. Firstly, what’s a balls dream? (valid question) Well, a balls dream, as I see it, is when you’re dreaming, and you’re with someone (a female friend, your mom), someone who wouldn’t normally have balls in the real world, and uh, you’re dreaming, you’re talking about Episcopalians, the flat tax, whathaveyou, and then POOF, this person shows you her balls! Just, lays em out, down come the pants (or the skirt), and out come the balls, just completely, you know, nothing sexual, just something that shouldn’t be there, is, for some reason, uh oh, they’re there! Make sense? Um. Balls.
And uh. My first balls dream was way back in elementary school. This girl who I was sort of friendly with, but was also sort of in competition with in terms of who was smartest in the class, this girl, we’ll call her “Megan,” she showed up in my dream one night out of the blue (you can see where this is going). We’re talking about the latest homework assignment or something, I don’t really remember the details, but what I do remember is that big set of balls she sticks out of the front of her shorts. Doesn’t say anything, doesn’t want approval for her balls. Are they too oily? No, none of that. (gross!) She just puts em out there. They look like a second chin only much much lower. And, yeah, since that balls dream, I never could look at Megan the same, cause that’s what balls dreams do! They completely taint perfectly cordial relationships. Because it’s impossible to get that image out of your head. She became Megan-balls for the rest of time I knew her (she’s still Megan-balls somewhere!) and there’s nothing I could do about it. (sigh)
And the reason I’m writing about this is that last week, I had my second balls dream! My boss. My female boss. We’ll call her “Stephie”. We’re discussing “the Internet,” in my dream. I’ve giving her my big shbeel about what I think the web can do. She’s smiling. She’s impressed. But little do I know, perhaps a little too impressed, I look down, whoops, she has some balls. Don’t look. Oh man, I looked. Happy, dangly balls, she has some. They’re just out and about, getting some air. “As you were saying about the magic of the web?” Stephie smiles politely. I’m frozen. “Uh…well the um…” I fumble, I stutter and BOOM, I wake up, sweaty, confused, but with the deep down understanding that (sigh) I now work for Stephie-Balls. There was no way around it. “Did you get the Fed Ex out, Matt?” “Uh, yep,” I chirp. Balls. “Did you think the promo was confusing at all, Matt?” Balls balls. “No I thought it was actually one of the better ones we’ve done.” “Oh really, that’s good to hear.” Ballsyballballsbouncyballyballs. And more balls. (sigh)
Yep. I know. It’s a curse. But what can you do? Two balls dreams in 25 years is not too shabby I guess, right? I’m just nervous a little. Um. I hope that one of you (my ball-less friends reading this) isn’t the next to go the way of the balls. God forbid I have a balls dream about someone I really deeply care about. (sigh) And those are my balls dreams.